Where exactly do our morals and sense of values come from? Like most people, I used to believe that these were passed on to us through the “nurture” phase of life, systematically instilled through years of living with parents and siblings whose judgements we trust. Today, I wonder how this could be.
As far back as I can remember I have always thought of others before myself, even my letters to Santa as a child were controlled because there were quite obviously other children in the world to be thought of and more than your fair share could cause hurt to another. I do recall these values being bestowed upon me by my parents from a very young age.
How then, does it happen, all these years later that we discover the teacher to have controlled and manipulated the child in an effort to secure a future far beyond that which most parents think of?
I love life. I love the universe, it teaches you lessons way in advance of when they are needed, so that you are best prepared when a situation arises. Most of us have problems deciphering these lessons, many of us think that life just throws us curve balls for the fun of it. It is not so. Curve balls are thrown so that we may anticipate where they will land, and that our catch will be better controlled.
You would think as the youngest of a large family, there would be little in life to face alone. There should always have been someone there to help you, guide you, talk to you and support you through the worst times. Not so. As each grew up they quickly realised the mind games used to control them, keep them in tow and secure a pampered future for the parents in old age. One by one they flew the coop.
My life was no different; I flew south, far south into the darkest days of my life in Africa. Surrounded by the hostility that comes with most divorces, faced with the challenges of supporting myself and my baby, alone, with no family or friends, I waited eagerly, day after long hard day, for that all important letter. Any letter, just one letter to let me know that some where in the world a sibling may want to offer some kind words of support. Just a word was all I wanted. No words came.
Year after laborious year my heart grew harder. Surely they were punishing me, but for what? What had I done wrong?
Time, it seems, can change your perception. You will always remember, but, in time, pain fades and hope returns. Hope did return, as did I, to the UK. Eager to reinstate myself as a family member my dreams were quickly shattered when, first one refused to meet us at the airport, then another… We were to be black balled. No effort was made to so much as drop by and offer words of welcome. The unspoken message often screams the loudest.
Many years have passed since, and while no perfect relationship was ever resolved with my siblings, I did feel that progress was on the way, at least half of them would now communicate with me, either through email or telephone. I was able to look past the arrogance of the treatment offered to my now, very aging parents and to resolve that I, at least, would never treat them so badly. Then I fell sick.
It’s odd to think that people you care for, people you make every effort for in this world, can turn their backs on you the minute you are unable to be their crutch. The circle of life though turns, and early lessons show their reasons for being.
I do not blame my parents for refusing to acknowledge or speak of my illness, they have their own issues to deal with and those are obviously much more important to them. I do not blame my brothers for not getting in touch, what would I have expected? What can they say? They care? I doubt it.
I do however, thank my own family, the family who have always been there for me, my husband and my daughter, for their support, love and loyalty. I know they will see me through this, together with the ultimate lessons from the universe given all those years ago. Those who care will make themselves known to you in your time of need. Those who don’t, well, perhaps they are not worth worrying about, perhaps they are best left alone.
